(6) A Guided Path to Your Inner Child
What is an Inner Child? How many Inner Children are there? How to find mine? How to befriend mine?
On the other side of that tiny door is you.
Only you are a kid.
And that is not the weirdest part.
When I laid eyes on Alexander Milov’s sculpture The Love, featured in the Burning Man festival of 2015, something in me lit up (pun maybe intended).
The sculpture was described as a "scene of conflict with hope and innocence rising from within." But what I love the most is the contrast:
the metal frame of the adults makes the figures seem like they are at odds
on the other hand, the scultupes of children seem to be getting along well, trying to reach out
could these metal frames belong to one person, as in ‘the parts of ourselves we don’t accept’
or could these metal frames, with their inner children, be reaching to one another as a representation of us: the community?
Safe to say that this is my “Roman Empire”.
Psychoanalysts were the first to name the childlike aspect of our psyche where our early experiences, emotions, needs and beliefs reside.
The Inner Child is where your past meets your present.
The Inner Child is where Kid You meets Now You.
The Inner Child is where your Past Mind influences your Now Behaviour and Now Thoughts.
When you hear “Kid You” what do you imagine?
I picture myself on my favourite swing, dressed in my maching (!) outfit of green spots that resemble cow patches. Rightfully so since there is a cow right in the middle of it - a 3D work of brilliant late 90s fashion.
If you are thinking “she has been rocking outfits since day 1”, you are right.
For some reason, this day is ingrained in my memory and this is how I first saw Kid Katrin.
Apart from rocking outfits, Kid Katrin holds:
my Selfs: as a baby, infant, toddler, young child and even my at-school self.
my memories of swings and sliding downhill in winter, and pink candy, and that time my tongue got stuck to watermelon-shaped ice cream for 10 minutes. Simply put, my good experience.
but Kid Katrin also holds my childhood fears,
my mom and my dad yelling at one another,
my traumas,
my trauma responses - the called-for and the uncalled-for,
the neglect,
my beliefs from the past,
my toxic relatives talking to women as if they are nothing,
all these times I felt alone, I was alone,
the constantly repeated sentences,
I heard “You are terrible at math, so unlike your engineer mother! What happened?” so many times that I have a fear of numbers (clocks included),
my discomfort,
the many times my scream reached only the pillow,
my unheard words,
and the losses I have experienced.
One of the weirdest parts is that:
It is not only about what happened.
It is also about what didn’t happen.
The absences are present, they make multiple appearances.
Kid You also holds the same for you to learn from.
I, Adult (somewhat) Katrin, have to tend to these unmet needs and parts of myself.
Thank God I have Kid Katrin to help me.
The Kid You has some seriously cool things to show you:
Remember that time you turned a cardboard box into a mansion of fun? Your Inner Child still knows how to tap into that creative mojo.
Kids feel it all: from pure joy to deep sadness, and they let it all out. Kid You can teach you how to get back to this raw, unfiltered emotion instead of keeping it on lock.
My 1-year-old niece spent 40 minutes looking at fountains just the other day. Kid You sees the world with the same fresh eyes my niece does!
She also didn’t care that we had to meet her mother in 10 minutes. Kid You hasn’t forgotten how to roll with the punches and embrace spontaneity.
Lessons from a one-year-old? Life is too short to stick to the script all the time.
Kids also trust without many questions - your Inner Child still believes in the good stuff even when life gets rough. Hold on to that innocence. Hold your heart open even when it’s tough.
Remember when you could be anything you wanted? Your Inner Child still believes in endless possibilities.
And since children are natural explorers, always asking questions (why, why, but why, why) and seeking answers, Kid You wants these possibilities.
TODAY, your Kid You is either content, happy and joyful, or it is acting out and rebelling within you.
To understand your Inner Child, you need to see the good, the bad and the downright ugly in the 7 archetypes of Inner Children (according to theory).
The Wounded Children
It is like carrying around a backpack full of rocks from your past.
This type has been through the wringer, facing some serious pain and trauma in their early years.
Sometimes that wounded child archetype can turn into a bit of a drama queen, playing the victim card every chance they get. It is like they are stuck in the past, blaming all their problems on their messed-up childhood.
Get in touch with the good side.
When they make peace with that wounded child inside, suddenly, they are not just carrying around baggage, they are carrying around empathy and compassion (personal experience here!).
Once healed, the wounded children don’t let the pain drag them down, they use that pain to lift others up.
They are like the superheroes of empathy: their heart opens up and they start seeing the world through a whole new lens.
They become a beacon of light for other wounded souls, helping them heal just like they did.
The Orphaned Children
The Orphaned Child archetype has been flying solo since day one.
Maybe they grew up in a broken home or felt abandoned by their family.
Either way, the orphaned children learnt to fend for themselves, carving out their path in life.
That fierce independence, however, can sometimes - more often than not - backfire.
They push people away, isolating themselves from the ones who care about them most.
It's like they're afraid to let anyone get too close... because they are.
But deep down, all they want is to find their tribe, to feel like they belong somewhere.
(FOR MY SAKE!’s email is ourtribeheals@gmail.com so you found your tribe.)
Once healed, they know the healthy amount of independence and they are so good at it!
They have got everything they need right in themselves and they know it.
The Healed Orphan Children carve their own path, one confident decision at a time.
The Magical Child (don’t be fooled by the name)
The Magical Child archetype is like a walking, talking fairytale.
They see the world through rose-coloured glasses, believing that anything is possible.
They are dreamers with their heads up in the clouds and their hearts full of hope.
As usual, if the needs are unmet, it gets tricky: sometimes that magic gets snuffed out, crushed by the weight of reality.
They stop believing in miracles, settling for a mundane existence instead.
It is like they lose their spark, their joie de vivre, and it's a damn shame.
When healed, these children are the visionaries we need to see possibilities where others see roadblocks.
The Nature Children
These Inner Children are like Mother Nature's best friends.
They have got a special connection with the earth, with animals, with all things wild and free.
Once that connection turns sour, things can get ugly.
They start trashing the planet treating nature like it is their dumping ground: metaphorically and not-so-metaphorically.
It's like they have forgotten how to appreciate the beauty and wonder of the natural world.
A Healed Nature Child, however, is a Greenpeace activist of the soul: connected, rooted, and grounded.
The Eternal Children
Ever met someone who just refuses to grow up?
That's the Eternal Child archetype.
They are stuck in perpetual Peter-Pan mode, clinging to their youth for dear life.
They resist adulting like it is the plague, dodging responsibilities left and right.
That refusal to grow up comes at a cost, however: they miss out on all the joys and sorrows of adulthood, living in a perpetual state of arrested development.
It's like they are trapped in a never-ending game of make-believe, and they are the only ones who don't know it's time to put away the toys and face reality.
When this make-believe game finally ends, mindfully, true appreciation of life begins, one where the lessons of adulthood are savoured, and the joyful Child can run wild.
The Needy Children
The Needy Child archetype is like a bottomless pit of wants and desires.
They never got enough love or attention as a kid, so now they are constantly seeking it out wherever they can find it.
The main problem is that no amount of love or validation is ever enough: it's like trying to fill a bucket with a hole in the bottom, and it's a losing battle.
A Healed Needy Child mindfully wears their heart on their sleeves, shines a light on their own vulnerabilities and invites others to do the same.
The Divine Children
These Inner Children are like angels walking among us: they have this aura of purity and innocence that's downright divine.
But - there is always a but - when that purity gets tainted, lashing out at anyone and everyone who dares to cross their path becomes a go-to response. Not so divine.
At the end of the day, the Divine Children are wise old souls trapped in young bodies and, once healed, they listen to the many lessons they already have inside.
“GET TO KNOW ME”, screamed the (Inner) Child
“Inner child therapy allows adult clients to address past wounds by understanding the needs they had as a child and how they can provide that to themselves as an adult.
This type of therapy often involves acceptance, self-love, and self-compassion on the path to inner child healing.”
Step 1: Find.
Usually, we can find our inner children in a specific space.
A familiar space — not comfortable or uncomfortable, but familiar.
Listen to your intuition — no right or wrong answers.
This is a visualization exercise that will take you places - literally and metaphorically.
Really sit with it - find a quiet, comfortable space. Do your best to avoid any pauses and distractions.
Make sure Adult You is in a space where you feel safe and at ease.
This is vital for your healing.
Listen to the guided path to your Inner Child here:
Listen to an Inner Child Guided Meditation here:
Take a few deep breaths and let go of all the tension you have been holding onto.
Seriously, let it all go. Shake out your limbs, roll your shoulders, whatever it takes to loosen up those muscles and clear your mind.
(If you need chill tunes or a quick guided meditation, go for it.)
Where is your child hidden?
When you think of yourself as a child, what picture comes to mind?
Paint it on a piece of paper or the canvas in your mind. Hold it.
Let yourself go into the details.
Is your child holding a toy?
How is your child dressed?
Does your child have messy, curly hair? Pigtails?
What colour are your child’s eyes?
What room is your child in?
What hangs on the walls?
Are there pictures? What colour is their frame?
Is there a carpet? Maybe that fluffy carpet you liked laying on when you were young?
Are there any books in which your child jumped for an adventure? Or an escape?
Is there a window for the sun rays to sneak through?
What is the weather like outside?
What is the weather like inside? Inside of you.
Step 2: Hear.
Your (Inner) Child is your younger self, a collection of memories, wants and needs — met and unmet, permanent and fluid, healed and unhealed, growing and outgrown, yours or given to you.
Listen, do not assume.
Listen, do not spiral into negative self-talk, self thoughts.
We are merely reflecting and observing.
Raw.
Where is your child hidden?
Is it hidden in a way?
Why exactly there? Is your child comfortable? Scared?
What does it have to say?
What were its dreams? What were its hopes?
What were the needs that were never met?
What were the needs that stayed forever on the “To Meet” needs?
What does your child want to hear?
It is your child.
What parent did your child need?
What parent does your child need now?
We are preparing to be that Parent, to Re-Parent.
Step 3: Face the Child in You.
Key word, face.
Go say “Hi” to this cute little kid handing out with you now.
Give Kid You a big hug and let her/him know you are here to hang out and chat.
Get a favourite picture of yourself as a child, too.
Put it next to your mirror after this. For now, look at it.
Face that child.
Start talking to your Inner Child like they are your best friend.
Ask Kid You how has it been, what they are feeling, what they need from you.
Listen to what they have to say - seriously get into this imaginary dialogue.
It is not as imaginary as you think: note it, record it, whatever feels best.
Unfiltered or unexpected thoughts and feelings might be just what that kid has to give, pay attention and show some love.
Step 4: Create A Safe Space
If you are feeling any big emotions bubbling up, don’t hold back.
Let it out: cry, laugh, scream, whatever you have to do to get it all out.
Your Inner Child is keeping it real, so let Adult You do that, too.
Once you are ready, extend your hand to that amazing kid and bring it to a new room: your (you + your Inner Child’s) new space.
Build that new space together - in- or outdoors.
It could be a place you loved visiting, a place you have wanted to live in, a little hut in the woods - whatever you two decide on.
Furnish, decorate, arrange and re-arrange. I loved drawing mine.
Put around objects that you have treasured throughout the years. (I had a little purple dinosaur toy in a plastic egg and did that show up first!)
Be mindful that this space will be:
where you can let your guard down, a cosy corner of your mind,
where you can let go of the noise cluttering your headspace, a place where both you and your Inner Child will breathe,
where you connect to the inner world and quiet the mind to get into reflection mode, to tune in,
where you anchor: you come back to it when you need grounding,
where you create: write, paint, dance, doodle together, play, experiment, have fun without being perfect - just practising,
where you remember how important it is to love yourself - because there is a child you are taking care of.
Once ready, it is enough for today.
High-five or fist-bump your Inner Child and say “See you soon!”.
High-fice or fist-bump yourself for doing the work.
The Leap: Positive Self-Talk
The picture you took out?
Don’t put it back.
Tape it on your mirror. I am serious.
Every time you feel the little (hopefully?) black ball of
“I am not good enough”-s,
“I am not worthy”-s,
“I am not insert adjective of choice enough”-s,
look in the eyes of the child and say:
You were enough back then.
You are enough now.
Treat yourself the way you would treat this child.
If you wouldn’t say something to the child in the picture, why would you to the adult in the reflection?
You cannot shame yourself into change,
you can only love yourself into evolution.
Fist-bumping you into profound change,
Katrin