Age≠Maturity: 7 Psychological Concepts That Prove It.
The Dirty Laundry of our Family Dynamics: Emotional Maturity, Breaking the Cycle and Holding Yourself Accountable.
As someone who writes intuitively, this week’s words were inspired by two events that made me dig deeper into the connection (or lack thereof) between age and maturity.
Numero Uno happened when I joined an all-Bulgarian community of empowered and empowering women: a chat for talking about anything and everything that lights us up popped into my notifications.
One of the conversations, sparked by a recent exhibition in Sofia, fueled a discussion on genetics and epigenetics.
In GROWTH OVER STAGNATION, I wrote:
The field of genetics is like the OG of biology: talking about genes, DNA and how traits get passed down from one generation to the next. It’s like a genetic roadmap that tells your body how to build itself - from your eye colour to your shoe size.
What I would like you to be more interested in is its cousin, epigenetics. Epigenetics is focused on how your environment and lifestyle can tweak these “genetic instructions” without actually changing the DNA itself.
It is like adding post-it notes to your genetic code, telling your body which genes to turn on and off at different times.
In a nutshell, genetics is like the blueprint of your body, but epigenetics is the notes in the margins that guide these instructions.
Nature versus nurture.
If you look at genetics, you can raise your hands, lay back, shake your head and say “Hey! It wasn’t my fault! My mom is the Life of the Party so I surely couldn’t sit alone on the couch.”
I just provided you with the best excuse: genetics.
If you look at epigenetics, you can say, almost mantra-like:
“I choose where this is going to go. I have the power to select my surroundings wisely, starting today, and move consciously through a space that nurtures me. To water what waters me.”
It might not be the best excuse, but it surely will be more comfortable.
Go, Epigenetics!
Numero Dos happened yesterday, at my females-only book club meeting.
An amazingly open-minded, beautiful 21-year-old girl concluded the session on Elena Ferrante’s The Days of Abandonment with a statement that felt like a heartbreakingly honest self-talk, with the words:
I am only 21 but I have been through a lot,
even though a lot of people will disagree with that because of my age.
As anger is one of my primary responses, it - of course - did not disappoint and yelled inside me:
Why do we believe that we have the authority to judge whether someone has been through a lot or not based on a damn number?
As a 27-year-old, I can vouch that 10-year-old Kid Katrin could have said the sentence: “I have been through a lot”.
Instead of allowing my anger to control me, I compassionately inquired and the following text came up, namely the confession of a non-age believer.
You are not too young.
CONCEPT 1: EMOTIONAL SUPRESSION
Let’s start with the obvious.
I have been told to “keep it together”, “not talk about it”, “just let it go”, and “suck it up” since I remember myself.
Thank God for my mother’s resistance to that: epigenetics woho!
The people who were quoted earlier just never understood that these sentences are putting a lid on a boiling pot.
I am the boiling pot that has anger management issues now.
The truth is that from a young age, we are taught to suppress emotions to fit in.
The truth is that this is training us to ignore a warning light when we see it,
and when my mom did that her car broke down
so I guess this is what happens to us - we break down. Or blow up.
Emotional maturity will never be about how long you have lived, but it will be about how well you deal with your emotions.
Just FYI, if you are still bottling things up because you were told to do so, you are not maturing, you are delaying a breakdown.
CONCEPT 2: EARLY TRAUMA IMPACT
Your brain is a computer, and childhood trauma is a damn virus.
Whether it is verbal abuse, mental abuse, physical abuse, neglect, or even less obvious emotional neglect, these traumas mess with your ability to regulate emotions and develop maturity (in the sense of emotional maturity, which I hope I can convince you is synonymous with overall maturity).
Trauma in early years really screws up our emotional wiring and if, God forbid, we don’t do the work and find an anti-virus program, we can end up being a 50-year-old with the emotional regulation of a toddler.
Turns out that blowing candles means nothing if you don’t do therapy and/or self-work. Who would have thought?
CONCEPT 3: NEUROPLASTICITY
Your brain can change.
Your brain can form new connections and pathways (regardless of your age, by the way!).
Your brain can develop anytime if you expose it to the right experiences and learning opportunities.
Your brain will always have this adaptability mechanism and even well into adulthood, you can channel it.
If you are still hesitant and don’t like to take words lightly, do yourself a favour and read the countless research done on how, for instance, mindful moments of deep breathing and/or meditation have increased grey matter concentration in brain regions, responsible for learning and memory processes, and emotional regulation.
(If you don’t have the time, trust me to do it for you because Healing 101 will welcome an edition, or two, or three, on neuroplasticity in the upcoming weeks, as well.)
CONCEPT 4: COPING MECHANISMS
Spoiler alert:
The way you handle stress and develop coping mechanisms is not something you automatically get better at with age.
Some people figure it out early because of good role models or supportive environments.
Some people figure it out early because of bad role models.
Some people figure it out early because they are their own supportive environment.
Some people struggle with it well into their 40s, 50s, 60s.
If you are still throwing tantrums when things go wrong, as per your definition, you need to develop better coping skills, not wait for another birthday.
CONCEPT 5: ACCOUNTABILITY
When I provided you with the best excuse - also known as “blame it on the genes!” - I gave you a choice.
You can choose to own this excuse or you can choose to own your role in your daily choices.
You can own an ID and say you are mature or you can own your conscious effort and self-reflection in your emotional environment.
You can own your resilience and the way you behave during and after challenges not because of a number, but because of the work, because of facing the situations instead of “sucking it up”
(because ‘sucking it up’ is most of the time synonymous to ‘ignore it’).
If you do “suck it up”, hold yourself accountable.
If you do embrace your innate and intuitional resilience, rest-and-digest.
A personal accountability system (tailored from you for you) is the missing ingredient of most ‘adults’ I know.
It means owning your actions instead of playing a blame game.
It means having authority over your choices instead of handing over the control to external factors (or people).
It means being conscious of repercussions instead of being a victim of circumstances.
How do I hold myself (compassionately) accountable?
THE WHY(s): As usual, we start with self-reflection and self-awareness.
Why? You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge so observe.
Observe your actions and dig deeper into their root.
“I hate shopping because it stresses me out so I avoid it.”
→ Why?
→ The numbers next to “size” stress me out.
→ Why?
→ I don’t remember when I started over-obsessing with sizes and minor deviations in my jeans size put me on a diet then.
→ Why? What about now?
→ → → → → Keep ‘why’-ing.
THE HOW(s)
For about a week, if you wish - longer, observe yourself and write down - mind you, I wrote “observe” not “judge” so don’t get all judgy! - the decisions you make and the feelings that are provoked.
Look for the patterns.
→ Why do you end up procrastinating?
→ When do you end up procrastinating?
→ Why do you end up exhausted?
→ Why do you end up overcommitting?
→ Why do you snap at (include a person)?
→ → → → → Connect the dots.
Keep ‘why’-ing, ‘when’-ing and ‘how’-ing.
The Daily Accountability Routine
Build a routine that includes regular check-ins. The closer you are to the beginning of this journey, the more frequently you need this.
Set SMART goals: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-bound and think of them as “small” steps.
→ “At this meeting, I will not engage in conversations that I personally dislike and I will not overcommit.”
→ “This time, I will try and enjoy shopping because I am beautiful and a damn number has nothing on me. “
→ “Today, I will commit to myself by making myself the best meal I have had in weeks.”
Seriously, super small. One-time practice at a time.
Although ‘a goal’ is usually a sexier word than ‘a habit’, starting with itsy-bitsy goals leads to habits with a 6-pack, I swear.
Hold yourself accountable.
Without accountability there is no responsibility and, at the end of the day, your well-being is your responsibility.
An accountability system blends self-awareness, intention and consistent practice: you don’t grow up into it, you grow into it.
In a perfect, all sunshine and rainbows, world, you do make it through the meeting without any unpleasant conversation, you don’t add any blue timeslot in your calendar, you do make it through the shopping spree without checking labels, you do make that avocado pasta you saved in your Instagram account 3 months ago.
Your accountability system will:
reward you (I usually go for French macaroons),
set your next tiny goal on the path to habits.
But the all-sunshine-and-rainbows world is not exactly realistic all the time, right?
Let’s say you failed to do what you said you would.
Then, your accountability system has to show up:
to teach you what went wrong,
to teach you what you need to prepare for next time,
to assure that you are more ready than you are at this moment,
to compassionately remind you why it is important to stick to it.
Don’t push yourself, merely reflect and consciously observe.
CONCEPT 6: COMPASSIONATE INQUIRY
I am letting a big breath out as I write this because it took forever to get here, to be able to compassionately inquire about my past, to let go of (self-)judgment.
One of the biggest not-so-cosy sweaters in my emotional baggage was telling myself I could have done more, said more, said less, cared less.
I could have sucked it up.
Compassionate Inquiry is not about asking the typical “how does that make you feel?” question, it is about creating a safe space to let yourself and all parts of you be seen and heard. It is often compared to peeling back the layers of an onion, but I feel like the onion is our screwed-up emotional baggage and the tears are totally justified.
It all boils down to the fact that we may feel “screwed up” but we are not screwed up for no reason. There are hidden drivers, often from childhood, that shape the behaviours we pick.
In WHOLEHEARTEDLY CHOOSING MYSELF, we talked about the Tree in narrative therapy and compassionate inquiry is like finding the rotten roots of that same tree.
We connect the dots between present issues and past experience a little bit like in a detective show. Instead of the crime, though, it is more like solving the mystery of why we act like idiots sometimes (to put it more compassionately, why we make choices that do not serve us and why we still distrust our gut).
Once you connect the dots, you can break the cycle.
But sweeping the clues under the rug is not the solution to any “crime”, yet it is widely practised within all ages.
CONCEPT 7: GENERATIONAL TRAUMA + INNER CHILD WORK
What does it mean to “break the cycle” though?
I did bring up the whole genetics-versus-epigenetics argument, so it only feels fair to address it.
We are “nurtured” to emotionally suppress so I grant that to the epigenetics pile.
We are exposed to - no chance of using nurtured here - to early trauma, epigenetics wins again in my book.
We can actively choose to nurture our neuroplasticity so epigenetics is in our favour here.
We might have “inherited” copying mechanisms but I cannot be convinced that it was in the gene code but rather in witnessing the way the adults - as per their ID - behaved. Epigenetics again, right?
We can prepare and prioritise an accountability system that really kicks the butt of anything that no longer serves us - whether it is a choice of ours or an environment we have positioned ourselves within. Epigenetics.
And we can compassionately inquire.
Although I am a firm supporter of nurture (my choices) over nature (what has been chosen for me, or instead of me), I have to inquire what role genetics plays in our systems compassionately.
The word “generational trauma” has been thrown around more often recently, yet a big chunk of the discourse either:
targets the obvious - yet beyond heart-breaking - trauma that comes from wars or disasters,
fails to mention the subtler, insidious trauma such as neglect, emotional unavailability (I have thorough practice with this one), rigid expectations (as a woman from Eastern Europe.. do I need to finish this sentence?), and really you name it.
makes us feel like we don’t have control over it. (Nurture shall make a reappearance).
The best part is that these are patterns so we need to look back and can solve that crime.
The worst part is that these are deeply ingrained patterns that get passed down and, to make it more interesting, screw with each new generation in fresh and creative ways.
In GROWTH OVER STAGNATION, you can see the roles you might be playing subconsciously, as defined by Dr. Nicole LePera.
Once you have identified the role(s) you play, you need to enter the field of family dynamics.
This isn’t about blaming your parents or grandparents. It is about genuinely understanding where these patterns come from so you can break the cycle, or in other words so you can stop them from screwing up with your life for your sake and for the sake of future generations.
“Breaking the cycle” is sometimes referred to as “breaking free”, and rightfully so, because emotional maturity is achieved through liberation.
The liberation will have to be consistent even though it will be painful.
The liberation will involve self-reflection as much as uncomfortable conversations.
The liberation will help you dump the messed-up script you inherited as much as live your life on your own terms.
Instead of the emotional luggage only, we need to build a first-aid kit:
bring awareness of your automatic reactions and underlying triggers,
pack a way that allows you to process your thoughts and emotions,
take a recorder of sorts - a notebook or a voice recorder perhaps - to give you clarity of the manifestations of these patterns,
make sure to take all the open-ended questions (I did not say answers) that will help you solve this case,
wrap up all the ways to rest-and-digest because, trust me, you will need them.
In a nutshell, stop waiting to get older and start dealing with your family’s dirty laundry and how it has stained your clothes.
Your age ≠ Your (emotional) maturity
Your emotional freedom = Your (emotional) maturity
Waving from the top of the pile of dirty laundry,
metaphorically and physically as I go to run one load,
Katrin