Mastering Boundaries 101: "Not Enough" or "Too Many Boundaries"?
Build your inner strength, set and uphold internal boundaries, navigate pitfalls and find balance.
Setting boundaries is like a muscle.
The more you do it, the more effortless it becomes, and the more empowering it feels.
Before you read and listen to the next lines, you need to know:
what boundaries are,
what types of boundaries exist,
why you need to have boundaries,
and how to start creating, preparing and executing boundaries with others.
and all of the answers are in Boundaries 101: Your Ultimate Guide To Self-Respect Empowerment.
Boundaries define where you end, and where others begin.
These are external boundaries.
But you need to set boundaries with yourself, as well.
These are internal boundaries.
People will try to put the same limitations on you that they put on themselves.
Don’t mistake their insecurities for your ceiling.
-Mark Manson-
The “Me” Boundaries: Internal Boundaries
Internal Boundaries are set by you for you, within you with you.
You have to set them in front of yourself.
You have to maintain them with yourself.
Internal boundaries are a choice.
Internal boundaries are the choices we make.
The problem is when the choices do not reflect our internal world:
Being able to say “No” to others is important, but it is equally important to be able to say it to yourself, as well.
Internal boundaries could mean:
noticing when your brain starts wondering about a toxic partner or friend and choosing to let go of the thought every. single. time.
going to bed at the time you set for yourself
being intentional about whose opinions matter to you
being intentional about whose opinions don’t matter to you
being realistic about your own negative opinions about yourself and where they came from
being intentional in your interpretation of your own negative thoughts (that are not facts!)
recognising when your expectations of others are unrealistic (and shifting them accordingly)
recognising the investment of yourself in relationships: do you see reciprocation?
silencing the self-destructive loops your mind goes into, and consciously putting your attention elsewhere
silencing the comparisons you draw between you and another person
choosing what to invest your time in (for once, don’t make plans when you need rest.)
choosing what to invest energy in (not everyone deserves your energy)
checking in with yourself, your feelings and emotions - regardless of how uncomfortable they are to handle
reminding yourself to not take responsibility for others
reminding yourself of the importance (and execution!) of external boundaries.
Internal boundaries are all about being intentional with your behaviour and your thoughts.
You can respect your boundaries and still maintain healthy, if not healthier relationships with others.
If you don’t respect inner boundaries, how can you assure that others will respect your external boundaries (or that you will have the inner strength that is needed to maintain external boundaries)?
Do you listen to the limits you set for yourself?
Is your behaviour in alignment with your goals?
Do you respect your own needs and desires?
Do you fulfill the promises you make to yourself?
Do you make choices that are in integrity with your values?
Do you exercise self-discipline and self-compassion with your thoughts?
If these questions make you feel uneasy, you are not alone.
The NOT ENOUGH scenario(s)
Fitzgerald once said that our lives are defined by opportunities, even the ones we miss, and this applies to boundaries.
When you miss boundaries, you leave yourself vulnerable to manipulation: you really can’t say “no”.
When you miss boundaries, you overextend your energy and neglect your needs: you are vulnerable to burnout.
When you miss boundaries, you tolerate (and probably even excuse!) unhealthy dynamics in your relationships.
When you miss boundaries, you lose your sense of self. There is a high chance that you are exhausted and resentful, too.
When you miss boundaries, you internalize the emotions and expectations of others. What happens to your authenticity? It is sacrificed in the process.
When you miss boundaries, you feel guilty all. the. time. Your identity depends on others’ emotions and you can’t own the space your deserve.
When you miss boundaries, you can’t make a choice even if your life depends on it. You may even resort to asking others to do it for you, instead of you.
When you miss boundaries, you overshare: you literally choose to allow yourself to be vulnerable to hurt.
Now, think of the corelation of these 8 possible scenarios to your well-being: mentally, emotionally and physically.
When you miss boundaries, you miss them until you make the conscious choice not to: think of the lasting impact that the “missing” has?
Having no boundaries are also a type of “boundaries” - porous boundaries.
8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
Make the choice. (Boundaries 101 is already there for you.)
Is there something like TOO MANY BOUNDARIES?
As you build the house, you may think to yourself:
“Oh, my, I built a brick wall instead of a house!”
The brick wall is called “rigid boundaries” and that means:
You are purposefully avoiding intimacy and close relationships.
You are unable and/or unlikely to ask for help.
You are part of very few close relationships.
You are very protective of personal information.
You are very detached even with romantic partners.
You are keeping others at a distance because.. what if they reject you?
Ironically, both “too many” and “not enough” boundaries come from fear of rejection of any kind: in the former case, we stay away from that possibility, in the latter - we do come close to the possibility but we hold on to it for dear life, leaving self-respect behind - if necessary.
But what if you could:
value your own opinion?
don’t compromise your values for others?
share personal information in an appropriate way: not under- or over-share?
know your personal needs, wants, and how to communicate them clearly?
accept when others say “no”, without compromising yourself for the sake of not being rejected?
It is possible to unlearn what you know and learn healthier dynamics.
How do I set boundaries to myself?
In Boundaries 101, you set boundaries with others.
It is the time to do it with yourself.
Reflection
What are your needs right now?
What limits do you feel would improve your life?
What activities, behaviours or situations leave you drained?
When do you feel overwhelmed?
What do you need to feel balanced and more fulfilled than you are right now?
Think yourself, social circle, family, work.
Go back to the house from Boundary 101. Enter the safe space you want it to become.
Clarity
Dig a little deeper - once you have your needs and limits, draw a circle around each little finding.
What behaviour will remain inside the circle? (The Acceptable space).
What behaviours will remain outside the circle? (The Unacceptable Space).
An Honest Conversation with Yourself
The same way we have to learn to communicate our boundaries to others, we need to communicate to ourselves.
Mantras and affirmations have become very trendy, I know, and (whether you are their fan or not) we will borrow their layout.
Create one sentence that encapsulates your boundary to yourself and its importance.
“I will not commit more than 6 hours of my time to work because overcommitment drains me mentally and physically.”
Accountability System
Hold yourself accountable for not respecting your boundaries. Reminders, little routines or rituals that support your boundaries will take you a long way.
Self-Compassion
This long way has to be self-compassionate.
Be gentle with yourself as you navigate setting and enforcing boundaries.
There will be setbacks, there will be challenges.
Boundaries are an act of self-love and self-care, so don’t treat the ‘accountability system’ as a punishment.
I do respect a firm approach to upholding your boundaries as much as I respect flexibility and adaptability when necessary.
“I did spend 9 hours at work today so I will not answer emails after work until Monday morning".
Celebrate your progress
Was it hard to uphold the boundary?
How did you manage it?
Were your firm but self-compassionate?
Go treat yourself!
How do I commit to myself and my boundaries?
Self-Awareness
Be your best friend and check in with yourself to assess how you are feeling.
Have you been honouring your boundaries?
Have others been honouring your boundaries?
Your body holds the answer.
The good old Self-Compassion, again.
Slips and struggles are a natural part of the growth within your boundaries.
Be your best friend and treat yourself with kindness and understanding.
Assertiveness
Express your needs and emotions clearly and confidently.
The challenge is usually when we have to react on our feet so prepare a couple of sentences to help you out:
Since I feel x, I can’t do y at the moment. I will get back to you soon.
When I feel x, I will be able to do y.
Consistency
Healthy boundaries are there to stay because you want to be respected, safe and secure.
Upholding them, even - or especially - when they are being challenged is hard but not impossible (especially when you have done the work to get to know and listen to yourself better than ever before!)
Boundary review
We have to always go back to our boundaries in order to move forward with our evolving needs and self-awareness.
Your boundaries flourish as you do.
You became who you needed to be in order to survive.
Now, it’s time to become who you need to be in order to thrive.
You will hear from me in a week, and since I gave you 5 reasons to commit to yourself, it only felt right to give you 5 gifts that help you set the foundation of your boundary work as firm as never before:
(If you are not a paying member yet, join me on formysakenow, where I will share 2 of these brilliant gems!)
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